Is Lex gay or European?
by WitchesAndDemons
Summary: The newest member of the Battle Force 5 is acting a little odd... But out of these actions, could he possibly be gay? Or could he be just a European? Read on to find out!  P.S. I am not insulting homosexuals in any way, neither Europeans.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Hot Wheels: Battle Force 5, it belongs to Mattel. Neither do I own the character Lex O'Rourke. He belongs to Dragonstar78 from DeviantArt, and has yet to make an account here. I also do not own the song which is used here, which is "There, Right There!" by Legally Blonde (the Musical).**

"EW! Are those ANCHOVIES? How can you stand those things?"

"I thought we already had this conversation a couple of months ago, big bro."

"Oh… right…"

Despite their never-ending efforts to talk about and maintain a normal life, the Battle Force 5 always seem to be veering into the topic of Red Sentients- whether they like it or not. Even worse, they always seem to be talking about the Multiverse at the completely wrong times.

"Ok, then. So…" Vert said.

There was a long and awkward silence at that table in Zeke's Diner.

Agura banged her hand on the table to put out her frustration. "That's IT!" She cried a little too loudly. "We've been trying so hard to not talk about these things outside the Hub-"

"A Hub?" Asked Grace out of nowhere.

The BF5 looked up and saw Grace with a plate of pizza in one hand and a notebook in the other, looking curiously at them.

"Uh, no!" Zoom replied quickly. "We were, uh, talking about a tub!... Yeah, a tub, that's right!"

"Alright then…" Grace said skeptically, and walked away to take orders from the other table.

"A tub? Seriously?" Vert whispered loudly as soon as Grace was out of range.

"You try coming up with something convincing, then!"

But by then Vert wasn't listening- He was watching a particular somebody in the far corner of Zeke's Diner.

"Guys!" He said. "Check out Lex over there…"

Lex O'Rourke, the newest member of BF5, was standing beside the counter, humming to himself as he twirled a lock of long hair. He wasn't paying any particular attention to the BF5, besides taking small glances at them sometimes.

"Yeah, what about our newest member and my best friend?" Stanford asked with a hint of pride in his voice.

Vert looked at everyone nervously before continuing. "Well, don't you think he's kind of… sort of… might be… have any of you noticed… he's kind of- "

At that moment, Sapphire stormed into the diner, with a dangerous look on her face. She plopped into her seat without even a "hey" and started muttering cuss words with her eyes closed . Naturally, Spinner inched away from Sapphire in fear.

"Um, are you-"

"Don't ask," She retorted.

Lex chose that moment to suddenly walk up to the BF5 from his usual dusty corner with for no apparent reason, with a friendly smile on his face.

"Hello Saph! I've been waiting for ye!" He greeted a little too happily.

Sapphire looked up to Lex like he was a piece of gum on her shoe. "I don't need disgusting optimism right now, thank you very much." She growled.

Lex looked very hurt. "But honey, do you nae remember-"

"HONEY?" Sapphire screamed. "Since when did I become your HONEY?" She made her way up to Lex and was about to kick him in a particular spot between his legs when Vert stood between the two.

"Enough!" He shouted in his commander voice. "Now Lex, can you tell us what's going on here before Sapphire blows up?"

"Well, how do ye say it…" Lex all-too-happily replied. "Sapphire and I… are dating!"

"WHAT? YOU BI- mmph!" Sapphire struggled as Sherman cuffed her in the mouth.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Zoom interrupted. "So, let me get this straight… you and Sapphire… have a thing?"

"Yes, it's true," Lex replied. "But th' lassie obviously won't admit it."

Sheman was now stuggling to hold Sapphire in place, with her wild kicking and muffled insults at Lex.

"Guys, a little help- OW!" Sherman screamed as Sapphire bit his arm hard.

"LET GO OF ME SO I CAN KILL THAT LITTLE BAS-"

"Calm down, will you?" Stanford hissed. "We're getting an awfully lot of unwanted attention, if you haven't noticed!"

By now, everyone in Zeke's Diner was staring at the BF5, taking the whole scene in with their mouths open. Even Grace stopped working to see what was going on.

"We're taking this outside!" Vert shouted, and dragged everyone (and receiving a desperate bite from Sapphire ) out of the diner.

Once they were outside, Sapphire gave Lex such a deadly glare that he covered his eyes with his hands.

Spinner looked at them both. "What sweethearts!" He muttered sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Vert was staring at let with an appalled yet excited look in his eyes. He rounded everyone up except for Lex and Sapphire, so Sapphire was totally free to do her thing.

"OWWWW!" Lex wailed as he sank to his knees and fell to the floor, suddenly covered in mysterious bruises.

Agura exchanged dumbfounded looks with Stanford, not getting the situation they were in at all.

"Sapphire? Dating LEX?" She loudly whispered. " She would rather date Zeke than him, she hates his guts!"

"Guys!" Vert interrupted suddenly. "I totally get it now! Lex CAN'T be dating Saph!"

"Why not?" Stanford asked.

"Because he's GAY!" Vert announced in an exasperated voice. "Don't you get it? The long hair. The transparent socks. The pointed shoes!"

The others just looked at him like he was from Mars.

"WHAT?" Stanford cried. "How can you be so sure? I'm his best friend, and even I don't know anything about his sexual life!... Not like it's a nice topic to discuss or anything… Anyways, you can't just back up something like this with clothing and shoes! You need real, solid evidence!"

Vert raised an eyebrow. "So you want real evidence, don't you? Well then, I'll give you some evidence!"

Background music popped out of nowhere, and Vert started to sing-

VERT- _There, right there!_

_Look at that tan, well tinted skin_

_Look at the killer shape he's in_

_Look at that slightly stubby chin,_

_Oh please, he's gay_

_Totally gay!_

Stanford sighed and rolled his eyes. "He can solve the hardest puzzles, let me tell you that," Stanford thought to himself. "But he can't see what's right underneath his nose!"

Didn't his leader know anything about the way things work where he came from?

Stanford- _I'm not about to celebrate_

_Every trait could indicate_

_The totally straight expatriate_

_This guy's not gay, I say_

_Not gay!_

By now, the entire BF5 (except for Lex, who was crying in pain and Sapphire, whose head was throbbing in angry pain) had joined in the song-

_That is the elephant in the room_

_Well, is it relevant to assume_

_That a man who wears perfume_

_Is automatically, radically gay?_

"Well, it is true he wears perfume…" Spinner remarked, sniffing the air.

"Exactly!" Vert exclaimed.

Vert -_But look at his coiffed and crispy locks,_

Spinner- _Look at his silk, translucent socks!_

Stanford looked at them with disbelief and anger.

Stanford- _There's the eternal paradox,_

_Look what we're seeing!_

"What are we seeing?" Vert challenged.

"Is he gay?" Stanford questioned.

"Of course he's gay!"

"Or European?" Stanford countered with a smirk on his face.

The 6 BF5 members looked at him in realization.

"Ohhh!"

_Gay or European?_

_It's hard to guarantee_

_Is he gay or European?_

They all stopped singing to stare at Stanford.

"Well hey, don't look at me!"

Agura was thinking through it again and again. Finally, she realized it made sense!-

Agura- _You see, they bring their boys up different_

_In those charming foreign ports_

_They play peculiar sports_

"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!" The others finished.

_Gay or foreign fella?_

"The answer could take WEEKS!" Zoom hissed.

_They will say things like "Ciao Bella"_

_While they kiss you on both cheeks_

"Oh please…" Stanford muttered, rolling his eyes.

By now, the group was pondering very hard about this thought-provoking question. IS Lex gay? Or is he just European?


	2. Chapter 2

By now, the group was pondering very hard about this thought-provoking question. IS Lex gay? Or is he just European?

"Totally," Spinner nodded his head, agreeing with the narrator. "Europeans can look a LOT like gays."

Stanford gave him a death glare in return for his comment.

"Sorry…" He squeaked.

_Gay or European?_

_So many shades of grey!_

Sherman came up out of nowhere in the song-

SHERMAN- _Depending on the time of day,_

_ The French go either way!_

"Really?" The BF5 asked in unison.

Sherman shrugged. "I'm not completely sure. I heard it from my dad's grandpa's older grandson, and I heard he's the biggest liar in my family."

Agura looked at Sherman incredulously.

"Aren't you supposed to be one of the geniouses?" She asked. " 'cause if you are, which I now kind of doubt, you're not exactly acting like one."

_Is he gay or European?_

_Or-_

Another unexpected entrance was made when Sapphire rudely shoved Zoom out of the way to make room for herself.

"Guys!" She shouted unnecessarily. "I have something to say! Look, over there!" She pointed her finger at Lex, who was getting up from the ground and smirking to himself.

SAPPHIRE- _There, right there!_

_ Look at that condescending smirk_

_ Seen it on every guy at work!_

_ That is a metro-hetro JERK,_

_ That guy's not gay, I say_

_ No way!_

After her round of singing, the BF5 were bursting with questions.

"I thought you hated Lex's guts, and every other part of him!"

"Why DON'T you think he's gay? Are you trying to block the possibility out because…"

"Do you actually LIKE him?"

There was a horrible silence as they watched Sapphire's face turn red and her fingers curl up into a fist, with a look of sheer anger in her eyes.

"You have a job?" Spinner finally asked.

That completely did it. Sapphire was up and running, ready to smash her body full force on Spinner's head.

"SAPPHIRE!" Stanford screamed.

"Don't tell me I CAN'T smash the little punk!" Sapphire retorted with her face as red as cherries.

"No, love…" Stanford squeaked. "I was wondering… can we go back to the singing? It would be REALLY good just about now…"

_That is the elephant in the room_

_Well, is it relevant to presume_

_That a hottie in that costume…_

The team looked back at Lex, who was now up and talking with another young man. His hips were full of swagger, dancing to some unknown beat in front of the man and ending it by blowing a kiss. The team stood watching with their mouths open.

AGURA: _Is automatically, radically…_

SPINNER: _Ironically, chronically…_

SHERMAN: _Certainly, curtainly…_

ZOOM: _Genetically, medically…_

_GAY!_

_Totally GAY!_

_Officially GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY…_

Lex was then helping Grace carry her load of items for the diner, and unexpectedly ruining the song by kissing Grace's hand.

"DAMN IT!" The team cried.

_Gay or European?_

"So stylish and relaxing…" Sherman mused.

_Is he gay or European?_

The BF5 all turned to Lex, who was lying in a beach chair and sunbathing himself with his shirt open, revealing his chest.

"I think his chest is waxing!" Spinner remarked.

Zoom curiously watched Lex. "Why is it," he asked, "That every time we turn over to watch Lex, he follows EVERY single thing we say?"

Vert shrugged. "Don't ask me, Ask her!" He pointed to a female fortune-teller in front of Zeke's, with a considerable amount of people waiting in a line in front of her booth.

"This day just keeps on getting weirder and weirder…" Agura muttered.

You're SO right, Agura! First the Lex-might-be-gay thing, then this song, then the Sapphire-might-like-Lex thing, then the fortune-teller thing, then Zeus wearing a wedding dress-

"Ok, ok, we get it now!" Agura replied to the narrator, who, by the way, is actually not supposed to be talking. Laters!

Agura rolled her eyes and continued the singing herself-

AGURA- _But they bring their boys up different there,_

_ It's culturally diverse_

_ It's not a fashion curse_

"If he wears a kilt or bears a purse!" The team replied.

_Gay or European?_

"We still can't crack the code!" Stanford cried in a exasperated tone.

Vert was still trying to convince everybody once and for all that LEX IS GAY. So once again, he looked to clothing for the answer.

VERT- _Well, his accent is hypnotic_

_ But his shoes are pointy-toed!_

He pointed to Lex's shoes, which indeed looked like something that a woman would wear.

Agura gawked at his shoes, and did a face. "Huh! Is that Gucci I'm seeing?"

Stanford groaned in frustration. "VERT! You can't just go and call anybody who wears pointy-toed shoes gay! And besides, what do you have against gays?"

"Hmm…" Vert thought about this question. "Well, I'm not really sure. I don't really have anything against them, I was just trying to make a point at first. But it turned into a song from some musical."

"Legally… er, Brown, right?" Spinner asked.

"You mean Legally Blonde." Sapphire replied. "Spinner, DON'T give me that face! DON'T even start asking questions! Anthony secretly stays up every single night to watch that show. Like I don't know that."

Spinner was silenced for a while. Finally, he spoke. "Can I post that on Facespace?"

Sapphire shrugged. "Sure. If he thinks he can get away with stuff like that, then he's going to have to get something, alright. Watching Legally Blonde at night is NOT what I'm supposed to teach him to do."

_Gay or European?_

_So many shades of gray!_

Grace walked dreamily into the BF5's song, swooning and blushing. she sighed happily and sang-

GRACE-_But if he turns out straight_

_ I'm free at eight_

_ On Saturday!_

She walked dreamily back to the diner, exploding in a fit of giggles as she walked in the back door.

Spinner stared moon-eyed at Lex. "Woah… what did he do to her?"

"Whatever he did," Stanford replied, "I'd give my life to have it!"

_Is he gay or European,_

_Gay or European,_

_GAY OR EURO-_

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Zoom cried.

The team turned to Zoom, who had been unusually quiet for a part of the song. He wasn't fighting for spots in the song like the rest of the team, but now he was outspeaking the others by a mile.

Zoom looked over his shoulder to Lex. He smirked and rubbed his hands together, slowly forming a devious plan.


	3. Chapter 3

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Zoom cried.

The team turned to Zoom, who had been unusually quiet for a part of the song. He wasn't fighting for spots in the song like the rest of the team, but now he was outspeaking the others by a mile.

Zoom looked over his shoulder to Lex. He smirked and rubbed his hands together, slowly forming a devious plan.

"Give me a chance to crack this guy," Zoom said, "I have an idea I'd like to try…"

Vert looked curiously at Zoom, wondering what sort of plan he had in store. "Well, if you think you can settle this once and for all, then the floor is yours!"

Zoom put on his most confident face and walked up to Lex, who was now sitting in a corner, humming to himself again. He put a hand on Lex's shoulder, which made him jump in surprise.

"Zoom? What do ye want?" He asked.

Zoom smirked and started questioning Lex. "So, this… crush you've had on Sapphire. How long has it lasted?"

"5 months," Lex replied happily. "That is, until I finally asked her out."

The other members of the BF5 were slowly warming up to the scene now, craning their heads to take a closer look.

Zoom walked in a circle around Lex, looking confident and cunning at the same time. He threw more questions at Lex-

"And your first name again is?"

"Lex. Why d'you ask?"

And your boyfriend's name is?"

"Tezz. Why' d'you-"Realizing his mistake, Lex immediately closed his mouth and turned a shade of red.

"GASP!"

The BF5's much audible gasps echoed around them. There was a brief moment of shocked silence until Vert broke it by jumping up and down in joy.

"AHA! See? I TOLD you, Stanford! I TOLD YOU!" He began pumping his fists in the air in celebration.

"What?" said a half-traumatized Lex, who was on the verge of blanking out. "I-I'm sorry, I misunderstood you, I-I thought you say best friend, my BEST friend is Tezz!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a copper-red Sentient vehicle drove in and parked recklessly, crashing into a stack of garbage cans; But the driver didn't seem to care.

Tezz stomped out of the Sentient vehicle-the Splitwire- and gave Lex a death glare while pointing The Accusing Finger at him. He looked like he had stepped out of a lava pool.

"You BASTARD!" Tezz cried. "You lying BASTARD!"

More gasps were heard from the BF5- They had never seen Tezz act the ferocious bear before, so this was new and somewhat terrifying to them.

"I was hoping…" The Russian sputtered. " I was hoping that you would one day confess, that you wouldn't be ashamed of who you really are… But NO MORE! I cover for you NO MORE!"

Tezz hopped on top of his vehicle and cleared his throat dramatically.

"PEOPLES! I have a big announcement to make!"

TEZZ- _This man is gay AND European!_

"WOAH!" The team gasped (once again), with Vert being the loudest of them all.

TEZZ- _And neither is disgrace!_

_ You've got to stop your being a completely closet case!_

_ It's me, not her you're seeing,_

_ No matter what he say!_

_ I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way!_

Tezz got off the Splitwire and made his way to Lex, whose mouth was opened in shock. He grabbed Lex by the ear and started singing again-

TEZZ- _You are so gay,_

_ You big parfait,_

_ You flaming boy in Cabaret!_

"I'm straight!" Lex protested.

Tezz gave him one of his horrifyingly happy grins. "You were not yesterday, mon Lapushka. "

Lex's mouth dropped open for what could have possibily been the thousandth time.

TEZZ- _So if I may,_

_ I'm proud to say,_

_ He's GAY!_

OTHERS- _And European!_

TEZZ- _He's GAY!_

OTHERS- _And European!_

TEZZ- _He's GAY!_

OTHERS- _And European and-_

ALL- _GAY!_

Lex whimpered in protest, but finally gave in. "Oh fine, I'm gay!"

"HORRAY!" Everyone sang as they danced around in circles, even Sapphire.

* * *

><p>When everyone finally stopped dancing, they all turned to Zoom.<p>

"Nice job, kid!" exclaimed Spinner.

"Awesome detective work there, Zoom!" Agura said.

Zoom beamed in pride. "Well, it was nothing, really…" He started.

"WAIT!" Vert shouted.

Stanford gave the loudest groan of frustration on Earth. "WHAT? WHAT IS IT NOW, VERT?"

The leader chuckled. "Oh, nothing, Stan. I was just wondering if we could open up our own musical or something , since this one apparently went out so well."

Stanford looked at Vert exasperatedly, raised both hands in surrender and dropped to the floor. "NO! Definitely NO MORE of that! If you want to open up a musical, sign me OUT!" And with that, he got up and stomped to the Reverb.

Vert raised one of his eyebrows. "Really?" He said as he walked with his teammates back to the diner. "Because I was thinking of something with a whole lot of BAM!, and some romance in it, Like Zombie Killer Prom 2, we could definitely turn THAT into a musical…"

The team heard pages turning and the scribble of pencils in the background, with some muttering added to it. Curious, they turned to the source of the noise.

There they saw WitchesAndDemons, Writing away furiously on a notebook with a frown on her face. When She noticed the BF5 staring at her, she frowned even more.

She looked up at them and scowled. "Well?" She cried. "Say something! Don't just STAND there! I have a deadline you know, and I can't get this story done if you don't say anything!"

"Sorry…" The BF5 replied in unison, with their heads bowed down in shame.

"Uh… let's see…" Vert thought. "Whats a good song we can sing?..."

"I'VE GOT IT!" Spinner yelled enthusiastically.

Spinner- _Do you like waffles?_

Others- _YEAH WE LIKE WAFFLES!_

Spinner- _Do you like pancakes?_

Others- _YEAH WE LIKE PANCAKES!_

Spinner- _Do you like French toast?_

Others- _YEAH WE LIKE FRENCH TOAST!_

_Do, do, do, do, do,_

_Do, do, do, do…_

_WAFFLES!_

TheMagicianLord shook her head in disgust. "I'm getting a new job." She said as she abandoned her notebook and pencils and headed to the bus stop.


End file.
